Christmas

Christmas in Spain was fun. I got a digital camera, which I was chuffed about cos I've never had a camera, so I'm gonna take a million pictures now.

I'm home in Dublin again. It's been fun aswell.

I'm still in a fucking shitty mood though over what happened with me and Lucy. I'm not even totally sure what happened, but the last time we were texting I told her that I missed her, and I haven't heard from her since. That was well over a week ago. I don't know what the fuck is going on. I even sent her a happy christmas text and she didn't reply.

If there are any girls reading this can you please tell me why you do things like this.

New Years will be boring, I bet.

Vicious Teeth

I'm seriously fucking fed up to my teeth with girls. When I think about it, every time I've been involved with a girl in the last 5 years it has ended up, sooner or later, fucked.

I was so excited about this time. In all honesty I don't think I've ever felt this strongly about a girl before, and it ended before it could begin. I don't know why I try anymore.

Fuck girls, fuck love and fuck everyone but me.

Tote Lame

So, I felt like making 'the girl that I was just seeing' into my girlfriend. Before I could say anything, she says I live too far away and she'll be too busy next year for a proper relationship. I lied and said I felt the same.

Ugh.

Lyrics

So it seems
Once again I have relied on subtlty.
A half sincere and forced apology.
I'll never be the man I want to be.

I've inflated my ego enough to float
I tried swallowing my pride
(it got caught in my throat).

If I ever get past this with dignity and respect
Expect the smile I've deserved since I left.

----------------------------------------------

My ribcage is now the only thing suffering from my heartbeat pounding.
I'm happier than I had planned to be.
The turn of events is sleeping beside me.

2008

January - It's difficult thinking all the way back. I pretty much did nothing but work. My mam and little brother moved to England and I moved in with my older brother.

February - Paris! Disneyland twice haha, and then more work...

March & April - Work...I really didn't do much else.

May - Went to England for a few days, had an operation on my toe which gave me an unexpected week off work. Then like a week later I went to the US!

June - More of the US. Then more work, and starting to think about Uni.

July - It all kicks off. Decided England was a better choice for me in many respects, went through a break up, reconnected with my friends and moved back home with my Dad for a few weeks before heading to the UK.

August - 20th birthday. Finished up in Starbucks and went to Fibbers for the first time ever. Had a little leaving party, and then moved to London.

September - Spent much of this month getting over the break up (I was too busy in August to let it hit me) and sitting around doing absolutely nothing. Went to Spain for a couple of days with Will, got drunk and kissed some girl from Swords. First day of Uni on the 22nd, kissed a girl during Freshers week who I haven't seen since...

October - Pretty much just went to Uni most of the time. Somewhere near the end of the month, I met Lucy :)

November - Uni, going out, visits home, practicing with that band and hanging out with Lucy.

December - No less than four birthdays, finally getting some proper work done and...a slight feeling of worry. More on that next year....

Only Of You.

I should stop writing in a way that makes me sound like I don't or have never cared.
Of course I care.
Blame my horrendous ego (which I'm sure you've since recognised).
So, because I am not half the man I should be (or like to come across as), this my subtle apology for being a dick.
As soon as I get over myself, I'll smile for you.

DISCO DANCING

I've been feeling strange lately. I'm starting to settle really well now; I've got a few friends that are fun to hang around with, my creativity has started to bloom, I'm hopefully getting some kind of band started and to top it off I'm having the most fun with the coolest girl I've ever known.

So I when I hear (or read) something that months ago would have made me feel like shit and I think 'I don't care. At all.', I'm overwhelmed with powerful feelings that I've never felt before. Sometimes it feels like anger, and other times it feels like super-happiness.

I can't express this in words. All I know is that I feel it most when I'm listening to something really heavy.

Hmmm.

Is it weird to be scared of how you feel? Even if it's a good feeling?

When I think of her I get a strange feeling...I hate to be a walking cliché but I've never felt it before. There's no way it's love. It's only been two months. Blah blah blah love is unpredictable or some other sappy bollocks, but I'm almost certain it's not.

Almost.

Fuck.

Fucking English

I really thought I'd lap up this whole English Lit course, but it's been a real disappointment. I'm loving Creative Writing, but EL has been kinda boring and the work is fucking piling up. For one module alone, I have to write two Close Reading Analysis (both 500 words with Peer Reviews), summarise an event (500 words), a 'Paragraphing' Excercise (I have to rewrite three paragraphs and circle 'connecting' words or some bullshit), a 'Mapping Introduction' (basically write the Introduction for my essay) and then a Discovery Essay (1500 words). That's 3000+ words for one fucking module alone. The other module for English Lit isn't so bad. I only have to write an Essay of 1500 words for a pretty vague topic, along with 100 word notes on each book so that should be fine.
For Creative writing, I have to write five books reviews (300 words each) which is gonna be grand. So far I've written only two. For the other CW module it's two creative pieces (750 words each; I have one completed that's 900+ words and the other is on its way), two critical analysis of short stories (250 words each) and keep a Journal.

I was reading one of my EL textbooks about Beginnings, and it was all bullshit like 'What, or where is the beginning? Is it at the start of the book? Is it when the writer puts pen to paper (or, to be sure, takes the first keystroke of a keyboard)? Or when the reader picks up the book oh who gives a fucking shit. Get on with it for fuck's sakes. Yeah that's right, I'm not gonna close the quotation. I'm mad. It pissed me off so much, and I have to read like ten chapters of it before the end of the year because I was lazy and stupid and didn't pick up the book before now. Fuck it. I don't care. They can get fucked with the amount of work they've given to first years, who without doubt are going to be lazy fucks who really don't care yet. If they're surprised by the quality of the work handed in then they have no memory of being a fresher. Even one of my tutors thinks it's too much work, but won't say anything to the heads of the module. Ugh.

Anyway. Started listening to Refused again. Amazing band. Definitely get into it if you haven't.

Alone

I just got home about an hour ago and my family aren't in, and I don't know where they are. Boo.

Lovely Naps

I was KNACKERED today. Wednesdays and Thursdays are my only early starts in Uni and I (try to) get up at 7. I went to the Library earlier during my two hour break to start reading Slaughterhouse 5, and I was drifting off halfway through. I had a bottle of Pepsi to get some caffeine in to me but who knows if that shit actually helps. I woke up a little bit before the break was over and got through a good 1/3 of the book. It's pretty deadly, but really strange. All sorts of talk about time travel and aliens and such.
So I had a lecture then afterwards and I was totally awake for the whole two hours (and I even made a nice new friend), but when I got home I just crashed out and slept a good five hours. I'm still pretty tired now, but I guarantee I won't sleep well tonight. I'm not in Uni until three though so it'll be graaaaaaaaaaaand.

Holy fucking tits I am excited to go home for New Year. Not for the event itself, because it usually fucking sucks, but because we're gonna record a Rubes demo. The lads did one song just guitars and drums, and it sounds alright. It was recorded on a shitty little recording desk, so I was major impressed with the sound they got out of it. It's gonna be a lot of fun.

I am a dick. Verse are playing in London tonight and I totally forgot. Too late now. UUUGGHH.

Oh well. I hanging out with Lucy tomorrow night, that'll make up for it. And then my big bro Ste Fago is stallin' the buzz to London next Monday for his birthday shenanigans! It's gonna be classsssssss. Come to London everyone.

Joni Mitchell was on the ball.

So today I woke up at 12. I don't have college until 3 and I usually leave the house at 2 so it was a good time to wake up. Except I did not feel like going to college in the slightest.
I've been feeling really uninspired without a close circle of friends. It'd be nice to have one over here, but the truth is I just can't imagine making friends closer to me than the ones I've left behind. A lot of the time when I was home, I wouldn't go out because I'm something of a recluse. I enjoy my privacy and sometimes I really like being on my own. But now I really wish I had gone out more. I bet I missed a lot of amazing times.

I need a fucking job, so I can have money, so I can go to more gigs over here and book flights home on a whim.