Cutting My Losses

Oh well.

I am upset but I am not going to feel sorry for myself. What I would give to be with her...but fuck it. It's not happening. Not now. I'm not gonna try to move on to someone else because I don't feel like it right now, but I will as soon as I'm up for it. I seriously hate being single. It's the worst thing ever.

Blah blah blah problems self imposed blah blah blah problems self imposed.

Lars and the Real Girl

Watch it.

Depression Is No Fun

I've been feeling really down lately. Mainly because I'm not doing anything, I really miss Lucy and I really really miss my friends. What I wouldn't give to be drinking Mixed Fruit Kopparberg with Sos in Fibbers listening to him shouting ''MEEEEEETTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLL', and then having the chats with everyone. I'm seriously lolling thinking of that!

I've been meaning to look for a job. I've printed out 20 CVs but I've just been too lazy to go out and do it. I keep waking up really late aswell, like at two or three every day, and I look like an absolute lowlife when I sleep too late so no one would hire me. I set alarms for nine and everything, but I just get little to no sleep at night lately so I sleep right through it. I have to do it tomorrow though. My ma will kill me otherwise. I need to move out too. I'm gonna wait until I have closer friends though and get a gaf with them and it'll be gas.

I'm finally seeing Lucy on Wednesday. It has actually taken this long for me to see her. I keep getting these horrible fears like she's already seeing someone else or something. I've even been trying to think of who she might be with, which is fucking silly and I feel like a dick. I get so obsessed with girls, it's not funny. I'd love to be a Pussy King but it's not gonna happen.

The title of this blog is a Bomb The Music Industry reference by the way, I'm not actually depressed haha. I watched Stephen Fry's documentary on Bipolar disorder the other day, it was great. And depressing, hah. I hate my ego. I started wishing the other day that I was clinically depressed so more people would care about me. Sometimes I wish I was in hospital or really sick or something, just so people would pay more attention. It's stupid and selfish but a lot of the time I can't help but feel like I'm just someone in the background who makes no difference to anyone's life. I've never been the most popular person who can make everyone laugh. I'm seriously insecure and I hate it. Whenever I see a guy who is obviously good looking I get so jealous, and if I have a girlfriend at the time I feel scared that she might see him too and think he's better looking than me. Ugh.

I need many hugs.

Thank You

To the awesome people who read this. I know I shite on about girls far too much to be a really interesting or funny blog, so it's class to know that people read this. I know there's not many of you but it really is great. I try to keep up with blogs and it is hard, so thanks :)

I'll try to be more entertaining and funny in the future. Less talk of girls. Unless it's about seeing girls naked, which is awesome and something I did the other night. Go me.

FFS

She's sick and can't meet up, UGH.
Why do I put myself through this shit.


I should have got that girls number.

Tomorrow

Looms over me like an exam. I'm gonna say everything I should have said on Thursday and just see what happens. I'm fairly confident it's not gonna work out though.

I fooled around with one of my cousin's hot friends last night. Hahaha.

Isn't it sweet?

Backstory (for anyone reading this for the first time): I was seeing a girl, Lucy, for a couple of months. I was getting really into her but then before I had a chance to properly ask her out, she says that I live too far away and she'll be so busy with college and work that she won't have time for a relationship. I was upset for a number of weeks and then she stopped talking to me altogether. I was confused and jilted, but decided that I wanted to get to the bottom of it and tell her how I really felt. I didn't bother asking her to meet up, I knew she wouldn't reply (she did reply once, and said her phone wasn't working properly, but I think it was an excuse). I also knew where she worked on a Thursday night; a club called On Anon. She does face painting (for pill heads I'm sure it's a riot) so I knew she wouldn't be too busy to talk or anything. I decided to go.

I woke up this morning undecided. Maybe she wasn't the right girl for me. We didn't have loads in common. But I also remembered that we had so much fun together. I had never felt this way about a girl, ever. Still, I wasn't sure.
I remained feeling this way all day long. I did nothing but stay on the internet and read all day. Evening came, and I decided I would go anyway. I showered and tried to make myself look the business. I wore a shirt, and I even used hair gel. I never use hair gel. I wanted to make the best of impressions.
I left the house, quite sure of what I was going to say. I had written a story in my mind of what the scene would be like.
He approaches the table she's sitting at with an innocent smile on his face. She notices him and gasps.
'Chris, what are you doing here?' she asks.
'I came to see you.' he says.
'Are you here by yourself?'
'Yep. Look, the last time we talked, I lied a little bit.' he said.
'What do you mean?' she was taken by surprise but was a little touched that he had come all by himself. She also noticed that he looked the business.
'When I said that I didn't want a relationship because of the break up I went through during the summer. I was really about to ask you out, but I didn't bother after you said that about me living too far away. The truth is, I've never liked anyone as much as I like you. I'm falling for you'.
'Oh Chris, I was just waiting for you to say that! I wanted to know that you really liked me, and didn't just want to sleep with me! I'm ever so happy!'

And it was going to happen that way.

I arrived at the club at half nine. I went up to the floor where they have the facepainting, and noticed that Lucy was not where I thought she'd be. I wasn't totally sure what time she started at, but I knew she finished at twelve and so to be here by at least nine. I thought that maybe she was on a break. I ordered a pint for courage and sat alone for twenty-five minutes, drinking my beer and dividing time between my phone and the drinks menu. After that I got up and brought my empty glass to the bar, and asked where the facepainting usually takes place. The bargirl pointed me towards exactly where I thought she'd be. I surmised that she wasn't going to be there.
I left the club and headed towards the tube station. Before going underground and losing signal, I thought I'd go on the web on my phone and see if any of my friends were going into Kingston for drinks. After checking, I lifted my head and noticed Lucy quickly averting her gaze and walking by. She blanked me.
I was crestfallen. She didn't want to know me. I walked down to the tube with the heaviest heart. I got on the train headed for home
No. Fucking no, I thought. This sort of shit happens to me too fucking often. I'm not letting it happen again. I am getting an answer out of this girl one way or a-fucking-nother. I got off the train at the next station and went back to the club. I power walked my way there with an anger and enthusiasm that I hadn't felt in years. I stormed into the club once more and climbed the stairs like I'd never climbed stairs in my life. I marched over to Lucy, and once I saw her face, I melted.
'Chris! Hi! How are you?' she said with the smile that I had only to think of to cheer me up.
'...H..h..hi. I'm fine, how are you?' I was pathetic.
'I'm good! What are you doing here?'
' I...I don't really know.'
'Ok...well, tell me something funny'. If our relationship was a shitty sitcom, 'tell me something funny' was her catchphrase.
'Haha. Em, I don't know, What time do you start at?' I said.
'I start at ten, and I'm finished at two. Are you here with anyone?' she asked.
'No. By myself. I came to see you'
'Oh, how come?'
I kept looking at the floor and had a stupid, uncontrollable smile on my face. I looked like a psychopath.
'Do you have a break at all? I can't really talk to you about this now'. Why was I putting it off?
'No, not at all.' she said.
'Oh. Um, I wasn't really happy with how we left things the last time. Em...' I couldn't talk properly.
'Chris, do you want to meet up on Monday for a drink? We could talk then', she said, trying to save me the embarrassment.
'Yes. That would be great. Please don't think I'm mental' I said.
'Haha, I don't!'
' Ok. Good. I'll see you on Monday, then. Bye.'
'Ok, bye...' she said.
I left quickly, without looking back. I was smiling hard. In a way, I had finally done something about the situation, and the outcome wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it might be. I nearly started laughing to myself hard, thinking about how much of an awkward idiot I had been.
I got on the tube and turned on my iPod. I was still laughing to myself, and I had put my head back on the seat, relieved that it was done. I was happy, finally. Things were going in a good direction after too long. I couldn't stop smiling and thinking about the whole thing, thinking about how it's a funny story and that I wanted to write about it in my blo....Lambeth North? Fuck. I'd missed my stop.

Two Weeks of Nothing

I have little planned for the next two weeks. I've handed in all my college work and I'm not back until the 2nd of February. Aside from tomorrow night's impending tragedy or romantic comedy, I'm going to a party in Farnham on Saturday which promises not to disappoint. That's it so far. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not. I guess the next two weeks will depend on how tomorrow goes. I'll either be hanging out with Lucy loads, or alone at home wanking. Ugh. I hate my obsession with women.

College Work

Can get fucking fucked. I've been busy as a beanie baby over the last few days trying to finish my portfolios. So much work to do, and I have to include drafts of all the work but they don't even get marked. FFS.

I went out drinkin' on Saturday for Tom's birthday and I'm still hungover. I didn't get that drunk, I don't know how it happened. I'm fucking wrecked, and I didn't get any sleep last night at all. Now I have more work to do and I just want to sleeeeeep. I cannot wait for Wednesday when I'm home free.

I'm going to a place called On Anon in London on Thursday night, because Lucy works there. She doesn't know I'm coming. I haven't seen her since before Christmas, and I'm gonna tell her the truth. That I really like her, that I haven't ever liked anyone as much as I like her. I have absolutely no idea what she is going to say, but the way my luck with women has been going it probably won't turn out very well. Still, I have to take the chance because I'll kick myself forever if I don't.

Holy fucking tits I'm scared.

Out for a few shites!

I went out into Kingston last night to meet up with some friends from Uni. I got to the club before they did, although I don't have their numbers for some thick reason, so I had no clue where they were and thought I'd end up leaving early, but they got there eventually. We went to the bar and it was about ten to fifteen minutes before I got served. I asked for two pints to save myself going back to the bar for a bit, but the lad said they'd no pint glasses right then so he was going to give me four half-pints. Not wanting to start a fuss (I know all too well what it's like running out of cups in Starbucks, and it makes it worse when customers are pricks about it), I said it was fine. So he came back with four pints. I didn't ask, and then he told me it was 10.50 (I can't find the pound sign on this American laptop). I had no idea how that worked out but I took it anyway. Not wanting to walk around with four pints (and not knowing how) I downed one at the bar and carried three to a table. I was halfway into a second when I got the shakes bad, and somehow managed to knock my own pint out of my own hand, all over my leg. Some lad shouted 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!' and I shrugged it off and started on my third.

It was a good twenty-five minutes before my friends Dan and Emma got served which is fucking madness. When they finally did we moved over to the dance floor, and I was pretty drunk at this point and was up for a dance. Pictures were taken and my crotch and arse were grabbed by my gay friend James, in the picture there. It was a gas night all in all.

It's confirmed.

I am a paranoid asshole.

Her phone's been 'on the blink'.

It's snowing!

Today was the first time I've seen snow since the last time I went skiing, which was about two years ago. It was just a light covering and it melted by lunch time, but it was still cool nonetheless. I really like snow, it makes winter what it should be.

It appears that Lucy doesn't want to talk to me. I really don't know why. She said she wanted to hang out in the new year but she won't reply to any messages I send. We haven't talked properly since I told her that I missed her. She didn't even reply to my Happy Christmas text, and I got a 'belated new years' text from her on the 2nd. That was the last thing she sent. This is the worst. It's confusing and downright insulting. I really thought that we had had a great time together, we may aswell have been a proper couple. I was genuinely falling for her.

Is this Karma for leaving and hurting Isabel? I don't believe in Karma but it does seem like this has happened for no reason I can think of. I never said anything that would offend her. We never had an argument.

Either there's some underlying reason like an ex-boyfriend of hers or something, or she's just bat shit fucking mental. And according to my best friend in the whole entire world, all girls are bat shit fucking mental.

Lyrics Blog

I've set up a blog solely for lyrics. It's handy enough for me!

http://drylipsandbrokenribs.blogspot.com/

2009

It's hard to be positive. I'm going to try anyway. If it's not happening then I'm leaving it. It sucks now but I'll get over it.

Last night was a bit weird. One of my brothers friends who's 27 was hitting on me and Aido. It was funny but mad awkward. Like I hadn't seen her in yeeeeeeaaars. Apparently when they were all knocking in to my house for Tom, I'd stroll up to the door and say 'Well hello, ladies!'. I seriously don't remember this. I also got talking to another of Tom's friends who lives in London aswell, and she's into some hardcore which was cool. Now I have a friend I can go to shows with! She's into Sick Of It All and Minor Threat. She hadn't heard of Verse who are one of my favourites, but she'd heard of Forging Friendships though which was cool.

I am disappointed in some people. They should be better friends and not let their best friends do silly things.

The only music that was played all night was 80's power rock. It was odd but funny too. Toto came on and I was happy.

This a dark and cold January 1st. I'm hoping that it's more representative of the year just gone and not the one to come.

I will make 2009 a good year.