Staying Home

The Lion King ruled but now I'm at home. My ma wouldn't give me money to go out and gave me the 'I'd really prefer it if you stayed in tonight' speech with a worried look on her face. I seriously have to get a job and move out.

But now, because of the paranoid asshole that I am, all sorts of things are running through my head. Tonight was gonna be the night when I made a move. Or at least would have tried. Now what if because I'm not there she ends up kissing some other dude and my chance is gone...I worry so much about this stuff.

We went through Kentish Town tonight on the way home, and funnily enough right down the road where Lucy, the girl I was seeing before Xmas, lives. It was weird. I kept looking around, hoping I'd see her, but I don't know what I'd have done f I did. Rejection is fucking horrible and it clings to me like a stubborn piece of shit that won't drop off your arse. If I was alone and ran into her, that would have been a different story. I'd tell her that she had no idea how much I liked her and how much it hurt when she fed me that bullshit story. I'd have wanted to make her feel terrible, because I felt terrible and I'm horribly spiteful like that. Although I do feel that empathy should play a huge part in life. If someone makes you feel bad, then they should feel bad. I certainly felt bad after breaking up with Isabel. How much more compassionate would the world be if everyone had a little empathy.

But anyway, that ship sailed long ago. And I hope it fucking sinks.